Last week, I wrote an article about how I had lost my way in sex. Things had become too complex, too many rules to follow, and the expectations I set for myself were too high. I was stuck. Funny enough, it felt terrible mostly before I accepted that. Afterwards, I felt mostly relief and a strong urge to find out how to regain my sexual desire. In this article, I will share what has helped me so far.
First of all, sexuality is a topic I’ve been exploring a lot over the last two years. What I felt was that many of us, me included, often lost ourselves in a race towards sex. Sex was the goal in the game of intimacy and I felt this was not how I wanted it to be anymore. Is having sex really the goal of being intimate with someone, or is it just a flavor? Just like loving intimacy can be another flavor? One of the things I wondered was whether it is possible to be deeply intimate with someone without becoming sexual. This search led me to many discoveries, yet, it also drove me away from being sexual in the first place.
The pressure I felt around sex came mostly from rules. Those rules were self-imposed, so no-one other than me was to blame. Some came from inner beliefs (she should have an orgasm during sex, I should last for a looong time), some came from teachers (such as tantra; don’t have orgasms in which you ejaculate, last for hours, have her cry tears out of pure amazement), some came from partners. In most cases, I accepted rules for which I could argue that they should be followed, but which I didn’t feel. This is a very important distinction as I found out. I let others impose them on me, they didn’t come from inside.
Sex became something that was controlled mostly by exterior rules and as a result, something I had to work on. I had to stay sharp not to forget things or make mistakes. Ask this then, do this later, don’t forget that, don’t allow yourself to, have her, etc. etc. I lost my playfulness, my edge, my mojo. I lost my center and as a result my power. Sex wasn’t fun anymore, it became hard work and a source of uncertainty. My plan to step out of this position was the following:
- Stop following all of these rules, stop working hard at sex, stop using sex as any means.
- Let the flow guide me, let passion, curiosity move me. Being in the moment, stepping out of it when I don’t feel lust anymore, and diving deeper and deeper when I feel lust, when I feel connection. Allow myself to dive deep once again and to do what feels right.
How to regain my sexual desire
It’s only been a week since I felt how lost I was in sex and feeling that things had to change. Yet, I feel quite a change in my attitude around sex. Even before having sex again, the difference in my thinking and feeling was visible and helping me, just because my attitude changed.
Here are some things that are helping me in finding out how to regain my sexual desire.
Letting go of all rules
First of all, following my plan of letting go of all the rules worked a charm. Letting go of some rules didn’t feel good enough; I had to drop all rules to find out which rules and guidelines felt right for me. Having save sex stayed, but all other rules, as far as I was aware of them, were abandoned. This includes rules that help my partner to feel safe in my connection with other women. I know that abandoning these rules hurts her, makes her feel unsafe, and I’m sorry for that. I feel her pain, her uncertainty. It is changing the balance between both of us and that is always unnerving at first, whatever the outcome.
Yet, it feels like it is the only way to regain my power and for me to proceed. This is a similar approach as I used when I felt completely lost in how to connect with others; letting go of all rules and expectations actually helped me to reconnect.
This problem started because I’d accepted rules I never really believed in. Rules from other people, rules from other groups, society, you name it. But none of them came from inside of me. That needs to change, I’m taking back the initiative. Safe sex stays, but all other rules need to go out of the window.
I’m training myself to do what feels right to me. It feels like a big step in growing up; letting go of the rules and expectations of others, stopping to live by their rules to replace them by your own. No, there is no room for compromises at this moment, it is all about me, how I want to do things. That may seem very immature, but it feels like a nessecary step I need to make. In order to discuss and agree upon mutual rules, I need to find out where I stand. I’m taking control.
In the end, I may end up with the same guidelines as before; the result in what I do may be the same, but the why changes. This difference may seem insignificant, but it makes a huge difference. It helps me to get out of my head, to feel my power, I’m centered again. Following rules and guidelines is a hell of a lot easier if you feel them, believe in them. This helps me immensely in making sex fun and playful once more. I have no high expectations of myself anymore, don’t try to juggle several rules and objectives and just try to have fun. There is no plan I try to follow, or goal to achieve.
In time, I will find out what works for me in different situations, so I can establish rules and guidelines that ring true to me. Safety, respect, consent, playfulness, those are very important motives for me, so my rules and guidelines will probably follow these lines. I say probably, because I don’t want to make any promises. If I were to do so, it feels like I would make the same mistake again; setting rules and guidelines that don’t come from inside of me.
Part of my unease around sexuality came from my unease around it. I found it a difficult subject to talk about, especially with women I felt attracted to, but hadn’t been sexual with yet. What I’m starting to understand, is that the clearer you are, the more safe someone else can feel. For example, a friend proposed for a small group to come together to eat and cuddle. That felt very straightforward, but also very safe. Everyone knows what is to come and can agree to that. Just like I do with cuddling; if I want to cuddle with someone, I simply ask them. This is a wonderful way to invite more cuddling into your life
I’m starting to do the same: be open about what I would like to do. That comprises what the plan is (setting the playground) and what we will refrain from (where the playground ends). Being open in this way feels empowering. It’s also a good way to test if someone is open to what you want to experience. If you want to meet to cuddle and someone isn’t open to that, it’s better to know so in advance in my opinion. Being open in cuddling is easier for me than being open about sex, or about liking someone. It feels in a way shameful to admit to liking someone, or expressing the desire to have sex with someone in advance. I’m not sure where I stand on that point and I want to work on it. Being clear in advance may work well, but I can also see it destroying the playful flirty tension between us.
Using the right sized condom
It feels weird to write about, but it can be a big thing, so I’ll include it. This is a thing I found out a few months ago, but I want to include it here as well as it made a huge difference for me. I knew that condoms came in different lengths. What I didn’t know, or never bothered to notice, was that they came in different widths as well. If you don’t know your girth (that’s the term you’re looking for), measure it. I’m serious, just do it, it’ll only take a few minutes and can make your life that much easier. If you have a partner that always complains about the use of condoms, have him measure it. There are plenty of sites that offer easy ways to do so. I’m probably not the only one suffering from using the wrong size :). It made such a difference for me when I finally had the right size. Putting it on was no longer troublesome, wearing one didn’t feel so uncomfortable anymore and it stayed perfectly put.
Because of my uneasiness around sex, I had become quite inactive. Being inactive sexually drains your sexuality even further; sex is just not in your system anymore. What helped me was to become active again. Exploring, finding out what works for me, what I enjoy. Giving myself leeway to make mistakes, have fun, find out what makes me tick and what makes me uncomfortable. What was important for me was removing any goal, as practicing is not about achieving (a compliment, an orgasm, the best sex in the universe). This removed the pressure I experienced around sex and I started to like it again. My negative feelings were slowly replaced by positive ones.
What also helped me was playing with myself. Now, that is without watching porn, without having an orgasm, remember: no goal. This got my sexual energy running again; I enjoyed the sexual energy running through my body. I’ve also tried it with porn and with having an orgasm, but this made me feel drained and empty. To me, porn is a bit like fast food: it looks appealing in advance, but you feel a bit dirty and disappointed afterwards. Give it a go if you’ve never tried it and see for yourself how it works for you.
Another thing that helped was that my partner and me set a 30 day challenge to have sex every day, to get things started again. We have skipped a few days so far to be honest, but we did manage to have much more sex and more fun than before. It helps in finding out how to regain my sexual desire and it improved our bonding.
I love flirting, but I never felt completely comfortable doing it. For some reason, I didn’t learn how to flirt when I was younger. That made it something I was uncomfortable in. I have worked on my flirting skills before, but it can sure use some improvement. For some reason, I’ve stopped flirting about a year ago. My way of connecting was to become intimate with someone; cuddling. Sometimes, cuddling turned into sex, but there was little flirting involved. Looking back, I feel I missed that. I missed flirting. So I’m starting again, flirting without a goal. Just for the sake of flirting. It makes me happy, playful, sharp. I love it!
These are the things that are helping me in finding out how to regain my sexual desire and another step in finding out how to have conscious sex; knowing when to move our intimacy into sexuality and when to stick to cuddling or spooning, two things I love just as well. Other things may pop up as well. If they do, I’ll be sure to share them with you. In the mean time; don’t forget to have fun 😉
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