I remember sex as being something light, something playful. But somewhere along the way, it became complex, weird, and uneasy for me. I feel inadequate; it feels like hard work, like I’ve lost my edge. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I’ve lost my way in sex, and in a way, believe it or not, that is a good thing.
For me, sex is essentially about having fun, about connecting, exploring, finding out how someone ticks, how the two (or more) of you connect. Sometimes about diving in an ocean of love, going under together. Other times, about letting your tiger come out to play, to snarl, devour, dominate and surrender. Hunting, biting, scratching, all in good fun. I was not too concerned about how I was doing, there were little rules to follow. There were so many corridors to explore, to have fun. It all sounded so promising; polyamory, kink, bondage, threesomes, bondage, tantra.
How I lost my way in sex
Then came the rules. As I’m writing this, I feel my chest tightening, my mood dropping. Then came the rules. Self -imposed mainly. My partner was to cum first. That was the first rule I set. Preferably multiple times, that was the second. We were to cum together, and to achieve that, I started to control my excitement. I started thinking of other things so I didn’t come too early.
Then came tantra and all the excitement that comes along with it. The promise of having sex for hours, spent in timeless ecstasy, having full body orgasms. Well. Then came some more rules: I was to last for hours. I was to bring her to a place of timeless ecstasy, having full body orgasms. I was not too cum anymore, as having peak orgasms is bad. That became the next rule: whatever you do, do. not. cum. Instead, I was to build up the sexual energy, move it through my body to reach other kinds of orgasms. I must say my body became more sensitive, but this energy moving never really worked for me.
Sex became sex without orgasms for myself. Sex became an endurance race, but funny enough, the opposite happened. Sure, I came too early before, but only once in a while. And if it did, I laughed about it and we tried again. But that has changed, since I made it a rule for myself, to last, I don’t last so well anymore. And with that, the discomfort came. The unease, the feeling of being inadequate.
Meanwhile, my partner was having partners with whom she did have sex for hours, with exotic orgasms I’ve barely heard of. Doubt started to cloud my mind, my body. I started to compare myself with them and felt inadequate and started to doubt my every action.
At the same time, sex with others started to lose its charm as well. I felt too many rules, put too much pressure on myself. Instead of just playing, exploring, sex became way too serious for me. What didn’t help either was the use of condoms. We have always agreed to practice safe sex and I’m glad we do. However, I assumed condoms were pretty much one size fits all. As long as you can get it to fit, you’re okay. But as long as I can remember, they have been a major pain in the ass (no pun intended); very difficult to put on, impossible to roll back completely, and as a result, they sometimes started to glide off. Not comfortable at all.
I’ve lost my mojo
So, here I am; I’ve lost my mojo. Somewhere in the maze of rules it has gotten lost. I feel regret, sorrow and anger. Not aimed at anyone, not even aimed at myself. But it’s there. I feel mad, mostly that. Mad at some it that has led to sex becoming such an issue for me. My head wants to blame others; partners, tantra, rules, whatever it can think of and compose half an argument for. Yet, I feel that it’s all projection, I want to blame others so I don’t have to look at myself. But it is me that has gotten me here. I was the cause of it.
I’ve been accepting rules and ways that were not my own. Doing so has let me lose my center and losing my center has let me lose my power. Apart from that, trying to juggle too many rules and ways, having sex has become something that requires me to think, to plan, to stay sharp so I’m not slipping or missing something. It became something that requires me to use my brain so much that I can barely feel my body, my sexual energy anymore.
What often happens now is that I feel sexual energy rising, that rush, and I suppress it. Sex makes me feel nervous. I’m afraid my partner doesn’t get aroused, or just sits through it. I’m afraid there will be little connection between us. So it’s easier to just let it go. I’ve become afraid of having sex.
Another reason for suppressing lust is that sex often feels a chore these days. Because I feel inadequate, lost, vulnerable, I try even harder, go through all the acts of which I think will help her become aroused. I try so hard, that I lose the connection and it becomes just hard work. And that isn’t helping anyone. Last week, I caught myself red handed: I was with a girl and we went from talking to cuddling, back to talking, and straight into sex. I felt aroused at first, but it dropped and dropped, till it became almost mechanical. I felt bored. My thought at that time was: do I have to continue this, or can I just roll up next to her? Rolling up felt like failing, but also like huge relief. I eventually stopped, held her and felt much better for it.
Being lost in sex makes me feel weak. Being dominant? The thought is provoking, but I just can’t see it work anymore. At this point, it feels unsafe, not trusting myself or the outcome. It feels like a lot of work and without feeling a connection, I don’t know what my partner would like, so I’ll just do… something and hope it will work. Get bored, try to ignore that, have sex, try not to come, try to last, try to have her cum, bla ba bla. Not an appealing prospect at all.
I feel like a fraud. Someone who pretends he knows what he’s doing. Connecting with someone, become more and more relaxed with each other, intimate, to… what? Sex is not about having fun, pleasure and connecting on a deeper level anymore. I’m using it to convince myself I can still do it, to convince others of the same, to feel connected, to feel adequate. And I want that to stop. Being honest about where I stand at this point feels like an important step in moving forward again.
I want to make my apologies. An apology to myself, mostly, for being so harsh on myself, so demanding. An apology to my penis, of expecting so much, of misusing it to feel better. And lastly, an apology to others, of the way we connected, or disconnected, because of how I felt. It wasn’t all bad of course, but it could have been so much better. It’s time for a new phase. Which leaves me the following question:
How to make sex light, pleasureable once again?
Having lost my way in sex is not acceptable to me. So, I need a plan! Will it work? I don’t know, I haven’t tried it yet, but it feels like the right way to go. This is what came up:
- Stop following all of these rules, stop working hard at sex, stop using sex as any means.
- Let the flow guide me, let passion, curiosity move me. Being in the moment, stepping out of it when I don’t feel lust anymore, and diving deeper and deeper when I feel lust, when I feel connection. Allow myself to dive deep once again and to do what feels right.
Sounds easy enough, right? So does it to me. I’m curious what will happen, if it will work, if partners will object. I don’t know, truth to be told: I don’t care much either. This is my way for now, reclaiming my sexuality. To have fun, to go on adventures, to be the person I am deep down and put the rawr back in sex ;).
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